Monday, March 8, 2010

Red Carpet Rundown: Based on the Novel 'Boring Me' by The Oscars

Les Oscars -- the grandtranny of all red carpets -- is sort of like the wedding day of a close friend or relative. You look forward to it for months, all the while knowing that it'll be long, boring, and everyone there will be drunk and yapping on for hours about nothing. By the end of it all, you're exhausted, can't remember what happened or why you came, but are looking forward to doing it again soon.

This year's telecast was, well, i only bothered to watch the first 2 hours since I only wanted to see Mo'Nique run off with that trophy -- but the part I saw was all right. NPH was adorable, per usual, Steve and Alec were entertaining enough, though I hear I missed cameos by Michelle Pfeiffer, Babs Streisand and God herself, Mama O. Well, that's what YouTube's for. As for what mattered most, the fashion, I was left wanting more, namely a Kidman in a column, but there was some fierceness to be relished.

I'm ready to get myself a big lady because big girl YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Gabby Sidibe was hands down my favorite gal of the night, giving glamour and girth. Marchesa actually got it right...for once.

Unsurprisingly, Mo won Best Supporting Actress, to a standing ovation no less. I barely heard what she said afterwards since I was screaming about Meryl Streep giving her props, but she was elegant and stunning in her Tadashi Shoji, whoever the hell that is. He'll surely be someone after clothing that broad, Oscar-winning back, however.

Arising fashionista, Carey Mulligan, dared to dye and looked flawless in her Prada gown. There's nothing I love more than a short do with a big statement earring. Something I'm hoping to try this summer.

Carey's co-presenter, Zoe Saldana, was also a vision in Givenchy HC, which admittedly looked better when she was descending the 35 flights of stairs to get to the Oscar stage last night.

Oscar winner and professional turner of IT, Charlize Theron rocked Dior. The two have done better, but the boob rosettes are hilarious.

Cameron Diaz in Oscar de la Renta. Note, the only time Cameron Diaz and Oscar will ever be mentioned in the same sentence.

Speaking of Oscar longshots, Sandy Bullock everyone:

Who still doesn't know how to pose to save her life. The Bullock delivered a great speech and looked the picture of glamour in, ugh, Marchesa (fine, Georgina, two for you...) Run off with that little man, girlfriend. Just make sure you don't trip over your heels a la every movie you've ever been in.

Our dad looked great, as usual, in his own design, as usual. Meanwhile, call me Mackenzie Phillips because I'm ready for this papa to preach on me...about sex.

Apparently, someone left the door to the stables open. And she snatched a gown straight off the Chanel Haute Couture runway not three weeks ago. Crafty equine.

Though not quite reaching the heights of her Balenciaga print at the SAGs, Meryl looked every bit the gracious loser in her Chris March (of PJ Runway...fame...?). We'll see you next year, Mer!

Another Oscar-winning lady of a certain age, Dame Helen Mirren, continued to give frat boys across the country questionable boners. Dame's got it goin' ON!

Vera Farmiga chose Marchesa, and though Georgina scored with two other ladies, this one left me about as limp as these accordion ruffles. Marchesa has one trick that they continue to turn and by now I'm tired of it. How many goddess gowns can I see before I become a full on atheist?

Speaking of limp:

La Lopez continues to try to recapture her past red carpet glory, but she's not quite there. Tuck that giant hip in place! However, bravo for choosing this aspirationally-dramatic Armani Privé, but it's a column that's shitting itself. Also, that HC collection sucked.

Speaking of things that suck:

Here's tween sensation Miley Cyrus. Apparently they'll let anyone without a d gag reflex come to the Oscars these days.

Oh, and there's Nick Canon. Cannon? I don't care. Slap a smile on that face. I know you're just NOW realizing what you've gotten yourself into, but just remain quiet, smile when spoken to and pretend that you're not dying on the inside every day. Meanwhile, Mimi, sucking it in to save her life, gives another reason why this recent couture season was awful, in Valentino HC.

Kat Bigelow. Go. Head. Girl. Friend. The first woman to win a Best Director Oscar. And it only took two centuries! You are an inspiration to us girls everywhere. Thank god you dumped that Cameron fellow, who apparently revived then subsequently married a corpse. Is it just me? Anyone? Bueller?

Sometime actress, but perennial movie star, Demi Moore was flawless in Atelier Versace. Noticeably absent, but not at all missed from this picture, Ash Kutch. I'm assuming he's in daycare with Nick Canon, playing with blocks and taking meetings with various cable networks in a futile attempt to extend their fifteen minutes of fame.

Last year's Oscar darling, Kate Winselt. Perfection, as always. Methinks I've got a ladycrush. I haven't had one of those since the sixth grade! And I've made very little progress since then...

I see these three ladies all came freshly-shaven. Later, at the VF after party, Zac was found being spun around on the Lazy Susan while Ryan, Jake, Tom and Elton covered him in glitter and lube. Those girls sure know how to party!

LOVE old lady chic! Especially on a pair of nubile ingenues. Kruger in Chanel, Kendricks in Elie Saab, both couture. Lovely.

Pepe Cruz, I know you, I live you, I love you. That said, I've been a bit disappointed with you this award season. This gown is perhaps the best of the lot, but it still feels off. You looked a bit boxy in the waist. There. I said it.

Maggs Gyllie chose a simple, Dries van Noten, reaffirming her love of this particular silhouette. Tell me the truth. You know you didn't stand a chance, so you just rolled out of bed and threw on the nearest designer? It's fine. I don't blame you. After all, who-who-who gon' love you?

Vogue cover girl, Tina Fey, chose a great dress - one-shouldered Michael Kors - but the hair is a little too matronly. Throw it in a chignon for a sleeker, sexier look. However, I'm willing to forgive this slight misstep since your little presentation with Bob Downey Jr. was one of my favorite, and probably one of the funniest, moments of the night.

What better note to end this post on than with the divine Ms. O. I don't know why she was there, nor do I care. I can only imagine that she informed everyone in attendance that they all had Oscars sitting underneath their chairs before inviting her friend and ours, JOHN TRAVOOOOOOOOOOLTAAAA to dance with Mo'Nique and Sandy Bulls to close the show. Anything less and I would be severely disappointed.

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