CariDee English Might Not Have Tried to Kill Herself...

...but her career sure is dead. In a Life & Style (you know the rag whose main selling point is that it's a dollar cheaper than Us Weekly--one word: class) "exclusive," the Top Model cycle 7 winner did not try to kill herself, in direct contradiction to so-called "tabloid reports." She only "mixed some anxiety pills with alcohol" and the combination left her feeling "tired and dehydrated" so she called for help. A. I'm pretty sure those supposed tabloid reports came from Life & Style, itself, bastion of social consciousness it is. B. Who of us hasn't tried that potent combo of xanax after knocking back a few mudslides, if only in a vain attempt to squelch the pain of knowing that you're the least popular Top Model winner in history, even behind that sloppy tranny Adrianne Curry who married the least appealing Brady? And C. Dehydration? Really? Before we dip into the old Lohan bag of tricks for career advice, Carrie, let's just take a quick look at where the girl's at right now, hmm? She's literally a pit stop away from Britneyville on the long road towards Sharon Stone-esque craziness/irrelevance. Sure, she's on the covers of more magazines than you, but, hell, so am I and no one even knows who I...oh wait. Sorry. Anyhoo, glad you're feeling better, hon! When you learn to walk down a runway without looking like a faggoty lumberjack, let us know, will you?