Oh hi: AMAs Edition

Rihanna

Yeah, I don't know why I'm famous either, but hey, why question it? I mean, there's this:

You like this Madonna/Janet/Cher look I'm pulling off, right? But, being the artist I am, here's a sequined eye-patch. It's all about originality. And so what if my performance was lackluster and boring, as long as I surround myself with an army of dancers, dress in bizarrely fierce outfits and fuck Chris Brown, who is NOT gay, thank you, then I should be fine.

Miley Cyrus

Woo! Sixteen and ready to bone! Where's my sexy, statutory-aged boyfriend so we can ring in this birthday, right?! I even shaved my mustache for this specific occasion. Sexy sexy.

Xtina

Rolling out a greatest hits package, otherwise I wouldn't even be here. I've got a million other things I could be doing, including a new baby, thank you, but this record's not gonna push itself. Momma's gotta go scream, occasionally on-key, for her supper. Get outta my way, I'm also on the rag.

Jonas Brothers

Giving head to dudes doesn't count as sex right? I mean, that's what Chris Brown said, and he's the Artist of the Year. Remember when that meant something? Yeah, me neither.

Toccara

Just make sure the caption says, "Supermodel Toccara..."

Alicia Keys

All right, that's close enough. I got a little bronzer on the dress so don't take any close pictures, k, fellas? Hey, you! With the zoom lens. What the hell did I say? Back the fuck up before I show you a woman's worth all over your face, chief.

Kanye

What the hell you lookin' at? You never seen a black man with a fox tail before? I grew it last night by sheer force of will. I'm working on a unicorn's horn for the Grammys. Get your Haterade out now, motherfuckas.

Pink

Hey, remember when I was the best thing to happen to pop music since Madonna became a Jew? Yeah, of course you don't because you've been so far up Brit's cunt for the past ten years you missed it. Oh well, guess who won in the end, assholes? This cunt.

B

Who the hell are these people? Is there like a middle school field trip going on in this bitch, because I was NOT told I'd be performing for tweens. Say is that Chris Brown groping up one of those Jonas kids? Geez. Never thought I'd see the day when I was the oldest chick in the game, but then again, I was sixteen for like eighteen years...All right, ladies, let's get it!