Monday, January 18, 2010

Red Carpet Rundown: Raining on Our Globe Parade

The Golden Globes were a soggy affair last night, and not just because of a few suspect winners. I'm looking at you Sandy B./ the cast of The Hangover. Mother Nature has really been a flaming cunt the past few weeks and a glitzy awards show proved no exception. Yet, come drizzle or come shizzle, the stars stepped out. Sadly, most of them forgot their stylists at home.

Like a teenage boy I may or may not have hooked up with at summer camp, the Globes shot their load within the first five minutes but I stuck around, nonetheless, hoping they could get it up again. Yet again, I was disappointed.

But how great were those first few minutes!

Go head Queen!
Mo'Nique was the first winner of the night and delivered a heartfelt spreach (speech + preach) that left even Harrison Ford a bit weepy. Though he might have also been having a stroke...either way, he was moved. P.S. Cannot wait til that Oscar spreach, girl!

Drew also won big last night. In Atelier Versace, she was, hands-down, the best dressed of the night. And her sister to sista moment with Mo'Nique after nabbing her first Golden Globe (for Grey Gardens) in her lifelong career had me screaming all over again.

AnA's godmother, the divine Jane Lynch eschewed a pantsuit for a wrinkly belted gown with pockets that left her looking the mannish woman we've grown to love. However, she was blatantly robbed of her Globe thanks to the Hollywood Foreign Press's hatred of television.

They literally have two Supporting Actor categories that cover all of comedy, drama, mini-series and made-for-tv movies. Really? In a fair world, we'd be sending a congratulations bouquet to La Lynch along with some fierce bud wrapped in a leopard-print snuggie. Instead, that honor goes to this tranny:

I can't be at her, though. The dress, Valentino, was the second best of the night, and she looked great. Especially since the Sevigny is not afraid of giving it on the red carpet. Look at that pose. Nor is she afraid of letting some hapless hetero have it in front a massive studio audience for stepping on her gown. Total bitch move. And AnA approved!

Amy. We love you. You know that, right? Even though your character in Julie and Julia should've have been gratingly annoying, you pulled it through. You're one of the best actresses out there. And we know you're pregnant. But, really? The clutch? The hair? Call me cold-blooded, you won't be the first, but I've seen preggers ladies turning it out before. Cate Blanchett immediately comes to mind. Let's take some notes, regroup and really bring it at the big show.

The Joker made an appearance last night.

Mariah looked great. You know, for Mariah. Here she is classing it up with a demure Hervé Léger dress and conservative diva decolletage. What you can't see from this angle, however, is Nick Cannon nursing on her left teet. He gets so hungry at these things. Meanwhile, let go of that umbrella handle, Mimi, because you haven't even seen one of those in 20 years and you're not fooling anyone.

Sandy B has finally stepped out of the horse-esque shadow of Julia Roberts to arrive as a superstar in her own right. Even if it is in a movie I certainly have no intention of seeing unless I happen by it on Lifetime one day. Everyone knows you didn't deserve it. Hell, even she knew she didn't deserve it. But strangely, I'm still happy for you. Funny that.

A casualty in Sandy's ascension to Golden Globes glory, V cover girl, Gabby Sidibe, still turned it in her emerald green Kevin Hall. Though, we kind of hoped she had pulled a Kanye and storm the stage during Sandy's acceptance speech. "Sandy, I'm let you finish. But I just gotta say, my performance in Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire is one of the best performances of all time!"

Accidental invitee, Jennifer Aniston, had no problem flashing her vajayjay for a little publicity in this labia-grazing Valentino. Otherwise, a safe choice in one of the default colors of the night. Good try, Jen...?

Faring far better in the land of sexy and sassy is the buxom Christina Hendricks looking flawless in Christian Siriano. God bless the bony little fingers that poured her into this exquisite little number.

I think I was most surprised by Pepe Cruz last night. She's perfection on a regular basis, but here she is looking matronly, orange and kind of boring. I can't blame her, though, as I'm sure she was busy fucking the shit out of Javier Bardem on an island in the middle of nowhere for the past 3 weeks and she just slipped into the nearest thing she could find and stumbled out of her limo onto the red carpet.

Here, Pepe's mother greets the crowd, looking incredible for an 800-year old.

My boyfriend, Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Doesn't he look darling in his little Prada suit? Little did I know Miuccia and company made them in Juniors.

Meryl won her 89th Golden Globe last night for her charming turn as Julia Child in Julie and Julia. I really can't wait for the day she melts down all of her awards and molds them into a giant Meryl Streep robot that tramples cities and eats the souls of other actresses. The robot will most likely wear Donna Karen everywhere it goes, also.

Maggs Gylly was a vision in RM by Roland Mouret. I'd make some snarky comment about her face, but she hasn't done anything to deserve that. She's not Cameron Diaz.

As the current face of the house, I guess Marion has to wear Dior on the red carpet. Poor girl. Poor fucking girl.

I see someone's taking a break from holding the umbrellas for the arriving celebrities. Get back to work, girl, before the paparazzi realize that you're no one and haven't been one in nearly a decade.

My favorite couples of the night. Who wants to bet which one will be getting it on after the show? My bet's on John and Tom. I saw the way they were chatting backstage. You could cut the sexual tension with a double-sided dildo.

And speaking of couples, thank god these two are still together. Particularly in light of the awful news about Sue and Timmy. How can one believe in love when one's figurative parents are calling it quits left and right?

All right, Ms. Ross's buzz is wearing off so we need to bring this baby to a close. And what better way to end this post than this:

I feel both of them are secretly screaming for help on the inside -- for completely different reasons. And Nikki Kids nips are just about to break free and get the hell outta that press room.

1 comment:

Daniela said...

Loved Mo'nique, loved her speech, but the woman's gotta invest in a razor!

who dat