Ave Madonna

Full of Grace Jones, D&G is with thee.

Avatar: The Madonna Story

There's airbrushing and then there's just creating a completely new person. And considering Madonna's barely real as it is, I can only imagine the lengths taken to fashion this latest incarnation. James Cameron himself could not have done a better job.

Oh hi...

I didn't see you standing there. Come with me, won't you, through a typical day in the life of a superstar, and more importantly, a...a...LINE! Mother! That's right -- and more importantly the life of a mother.

What the hell is this, are you serious? You expect me to carbs? And on camera no less. I haven't eaten anything solid since "Borderline". Lola, put down that meatball, you know the rules! Ten laps around the mansion. Next set-up!

Domenico, Stefano, really, I love you, I live for you. But this is a $500 manicure. Meanwhile, I wish you had waited for the swelling in my face to go down a bit. I've got more collagen in me than a harem of seals. Rocco, get away from that door! Your father's dead and he's not coming back! Moving along!

What's happening, what is with these bubbly things rising up at me? Hey, can someone watch the little one, whatever his name is. Hey, Luz, where do you think you're going? What do you mean we have nothing in common? Parts of me are younger than most of my children!

All right, that's it, cut! No one dumps Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone Penn Ritchie...oh wait.

Madonna Caught Assaulting Underaged Underwear Model; Lola Unphased

How about a little Madge for your day? Her new video for Celebration, besides being awful, features fashionista on the rise, Lola Leon Ciccone Ritchie...Penn? Girl is the fiercest 12-year old since...well the gals at AnA. Of course, this bitch has a muscular, 200-year old yogi leg up. Work.

Deja Boo Akimbo

Meet Balenciaga Fall '09, with totally irrelevant and boring Jen Connelly:

Now, let's think back a season ago to MJ's Louis Vuitton campaign with the timeless Madge:

Anyone else experiencing a totally unsatisfying deja vu??

When did Balenciaga become a cheap man's Louis?

I do not see a purse on Ms. Connelly's arched foot... and I am not happy about it.

Celebrity Power Akimbo

Dear World, suck on it. Love, Angie.

Once again Forbes has released its list of the world’s 100 most powerful celebrities, and yet again Armed and Akimbo is nowhere to be seen. I hope you don’t expect us to take this slight (like we take pretty much everything else) lying down, Forbes.

Revenge plots aside, La Jolie continues her crusade to take over the world, displacing Mama O from the top spot, which she has held for the past two years. Though Oprah made, according to the mag, $275 mil last year, Jolie’s media exposure and box office successes pushed her to the very top.

Silently gritting her teeth at the number 4 spot is perfectionist (read: robot) Beyoncé who nonetheless graces the cover of the Celebrity 100 issue.


Unless B steps up her earning game, don’t be surprised if Angelina, Oprah and Madonna end up dead next year. Ooh, who wants to see that cage match? For my money, though, I would bet on Madonna since she can bench press the entire top 10 without breaking a sweat.

Below is the rest of the Forbes Top 10, which should be parenthetically titled, Sisters Are Doing It for Themselves.

Forbes Top 10

1. Angelina Jolie
2. Oprah Winfrey
3. Madonna
4. Beyoncé Knowles
5. Tiger Woods
6. Bruce Springsteen
7. Steven Spielberg
8. Jennifer Aniston
9. Brad Pitt
10. Kobe Bryant

P.S. and FYI, 44th president of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama is #49, just a hair below Ryan Seacrest.