Friday, August 29, 2008

The Genius of Jacobs

I never thought I'd ever buy a New Yorker Magazine for masturbatory purposes, but this is just too much.

Oh hi...

Bitch. You're so smug, aren't you? With your age appropriate bob, your chanel haute couture gown with the ram horn detail at the hip you skinny cunt. Everyone's so afraid of you...not me. I've been within the womb of the beast. And I escaped. It's like escaping from the Brazilian-waxed bowels of hell. After that, I can stare death in the face, unblinking. Oh, by the way, I stole your little bottles of Jack you so cleverly stored in the left hip horn. They're resting ever so delicately between my giant tits...but then wouldn't know anything about that, would you? Oh, thank God. Uncle André's finally arrived...with what looks like an orangutan in Carolina Herrera hiding beneath that scarlet Chanel cape. I'm going to say hello...I know he's got a veritable pharmacy under there as well. Don't wait up, Mother Dearest.

Grabbed by the Disco Balls

The lights are flashing
The sun is down
The freaks come out
So we can clown around
Mr. DJ, keep rockin’ my soul
I’ve got an agenda
I gotta lose control

I ain’t got nothin’
Ain’t goin’ nowhere
Make the beat move me
Take me away from here
I just wanted to dance
So I took a chance
Now you got me in your trance

Oh, you got me (got me)
You got me (got me)
Got me by the disco balls
I’m waiting (waiting)
I’m waiting (waiting)
Waiting, baby, for your call
Won’t you let me off the line
Break some up, I wanna feel divine

I ain’t got nothin’
Ain’t goin’ nowhere
Make the beat move me
Take me away from here
I just wanted to dance
So I took a chance
Now you got me in your trance


Get me high
Make me right
Just let me transcend tonight
Twist ‘em, turn ‘em
Please don’t hurt ‘em
Hold my disco balls ti-i-i-i-i-i-ight

Thursday, August 28, 2008

High-Waisted Heaven

I don’t like Penny’s
Don’t care for Kohls
Fuck a Sears catalogue
I got my French Vogue
J’adore Dior
I live for couture
Strap on a stiletto
And kick down the doors

Keep your plain white tees
And faded, baggy denim
Gimme! Gimme! A high-waisted pant
I’m in heaven!

Uncle Karl Coco’s my Chanel Iman
Lady Miuccia lights my fire
Elbaz drops the waist
And Galliano flaunts my desire
I live in despair
Sans Ghesquiere
Take me to the tents
Hey, Diane! I’m here!


Pose! Pose! Pose! Pose!
Work! Work! Work! Work!
Turn it, kill it, drop it at the gate
Bring me Tom Ford’s head on a crystal plate
Work! Pose! Work! Pose! Extend!
Fuck it, bring me Tom Ford’s dick instead


Here at Armed and Akimbo, we are always half-assedly committed to bringing you, our loyal and might I add fierce readers, the latest and greatest in fashion. In keeping with that grand, three-month old tradition, we are proud to announce our newest project: flawless. What is flawless you might wonder to know? Honey. It’s a big, fat hit just waiting to happen; a sparkling, glittery album about fashion, drugs and disco. Everything a girl could want or need. Think Grace Jones’ Nightclubbing, done up in a couture gown made of stars and wishes. And the following is the tentative track listing:

1. Intro/Lamé
2. High-Waisted Heaven
3. Fucking Marc Jacobs
4. Eyeliner Notes
5. Armed and Akimbo
6. Grabbed by the Disco Balls
7. High-Heeled Lowlifes
8. Uncle ALT
9. Studio 54, Where Are You?
10. $10,000 A Day
11. I Don’t Do Lines or Covers (Except Lines on Covers)

Look out for flawless, turning it and dropping it Fall 2009…or whenever we get around to it, you know.

MOVE // Lift!

Put your hands up! Step! Belted!

Hunch Of The Day // Double Drop

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Chinese Vogue // Olivia Newton-Du Juan

Here is a nice editorial from Chinese Vogue, a great compliment to the Conde Nast family. Great photographers and stylists in addition to the punch of using fabulously diverse models (like former Miss China, Du Juan) make this magazine the one that we want:

Look at Du Juan standing around in some carefully styled natural lighting in what reminds me of the location of that car chase in Grease:

Both the movie and the spread have in common clothes with pumped shoulders, tight pants, exaggerated shapes with emphasis on the hip, and lots of black. Coincidence?
Judging by the high level of "Fierce" in both, I'd say not.

Boyfriend Of The Day // Sonny Come Home...

...Big Momma is waiting up for you!

MOVE // Sit!

Sit without sitting! Do the 80s hair slip! Pout!

Hunch Of The Day // Lesbian Lace Lean

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Boyfriend Of The Day // Ben P. @ Major

Girl you better get on the ledge!

MOVE // Dye

Run! Red hair! React!

Hunch Of The Day // Missouri Mound

Monday, August 25, 2008

Oh-No-She-Didn't Akimbo // Aggy Assumption

Did the peroxide-punk pixie with the 36-inch hip really skip out on DNA and move to Women JUST in time for shows?

How Karlie Kloss, no? Let's see which modeling agency wins out: the one that signed her as a walk-in or the one with the hip new team of agents?

Mouthed and Agape / Mommy Agapest

MOVE // Happy!?

Smile! Jump! Order a milkshake! Angle!

Hunch Of The Day // Fur Flop

Thursday, August 21, 2008

MOVE // Hair!

Stand! Flip your hair! Smokey eyes! Have a penetrating gaze!

Hunch Of The Day // Brittle-N-Blank Barely-Breathing Stank

One-Night Stand of the Day

I didn't catch his name on the way out, but I know I love him, nonetheless. Just give me a great body/face and a pair of sassy glasses and I'm in nocturnal emission heaven.
Plus, how adorable is he in that red turtleneck?

Ms. Ross

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

How It's Done

There's André Leon Talley, and then there's fucking everyone else. He may be completely insane, the size of a small planet and his actual duties at Vogue are dubious at best, but who else can carry off a great-cape, not only that, but a great-cape held by one of today's great designers, Lanvin's Alber Elbaz? None other than our illegitimate father, Mon. ALT. Work, tranny.

I know you think I can't see you...

Zellweger. What with you in your signature Carolina Herrera and marginally retarded pout and pixie bob. What is that hand about exactly? Perched ever so mannishly on your nonexistent hip? You disgust me. And you didn't deserve that Oscar for Cold Mountain. If anything, you should've gotten a Nobel Prize for dropping those 300 lbs between Bridget Jones and Chicago, you anorexic coke whore. Now get the hell out of my picture as I embody FLAWLESS in my Azzedine Alaïa, with my oddly calm bordering on demure composure, save for this hint of a smirk that means I can and will tear out your squinty little eyes in a flash.


P.S. Meet me in the bathroom, third stall from the right, in fifteen. Kisses.

Oh hi...

We just got off the mothership and boy is my custom-tailored Stella McCartney ivory pantsuit tired. I defrosted Davey dear just for this, to pay honor to the great Mon. Poiret. I also had my hair sculpted from the tears of adolescent homos and the breath of a dying panda. Davey, dear, hold my hand lest you fall over, I know you haven't seen daylight in a good few months, just hunker down and fix your Bowietie. Ha! Pun. No you can't have the cane, it's my god damn prop and it makes me look even thinner by comparison. Though your bloat is also a great help, dear. Ziggy Stardust, indeed. More like Ziggy Stargut. Ha. There I go again. I just came up with that, all on my own, aren't you impressed with my wit and impossibly high cheekbones. Now smile for the flashing lights, Davey dear, and I might let you touch something else besides my hand for a change. If you're lucky.


Mouthed and Agape / Amanda Aghast

MOVE // Streetwalking!

I am angry! Therefore I will yell when appropriate! I look vaguely like Janice Dickinson here!

Hunch Of The Day // Farrah-Red Flounder

Oh-No-She-Didn't Akimbo // Ana Claudia!

We knew it! Girl is back for shows in New York. Turn. It.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Boyfriend of the Day

Scott Schuman

Although he's a daddy (literally) and not a model, I am just not over how sexy our favorite style blogger is. Baby, you can de-sartorialize me any day. 

Send my love to the kids.

Oh, and cute ascot...


Mouthed and Agape / America's Next Top Dentist

My African princess!! 

Rock that bejeweled claw! 

Force that mouth agape, bitch!


MOVE // Horse

Look regal! Ride western! Extend and reach! Crown!

Hunch Of The Day // Brčko Tilto

Monday, August 18, 2008

Boyfriend of the Day

Tommy D / FORD

A nice hunk of man for you on this lovely Monday eve... 

Mouthed and Agape / Kloss Floss

MOVE // Cinch!

Suck in your stomach! Now the sides! Pinch it! And blur!

Hunch Of The Day // Solo-Cover Slam

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Boyfriend of the Day

I know we're supposed to be on vacation, but I haven't posted in a while, and I just COULD NOT resist. Take a look at this video of Playgirl model Nicholas Ryan showing the world how to properly use the hula hoop application on Wii Fit. Nunchakus sold separately.



Friday, August 8, 2008

So Long!

Armed and Akimbo is going on vacation!

Look for us in our improbably small bikinis, drinking whilst rolling on the beach and overall looking gorgeous. Until then you'll have to get your hunches and mouths agape somewhere else! See you next week!

Boyfriend of the Day

Chad White / MAJOR

On his way to becoming a gay icon. 

And he also loves puppies... Too perfect. 

Occidental Comparisons

It's always fun to compare similar concepts in different magazines and then decide which succeeds overall creatively and intellectually. For example let's take American Vogue's "Adult Education" from a couple months ago and compare it with Korean Vogue's "Modern Classic" from the current September issue. Both feature adult, serious clothes on A-list girls in a studio for a great photographer.

Here's the American:

First of all, unless it's Irving Penn behind the camera then the girls are drenched in studio lighting. They look a bit washed out, and it's not helped with the coal eye makeup, which I actually like in theory. But a bunch of ladies in serious petticoat-layered dresses and velvets stomping and hopping around with dark makeup and tight buns? It's fun, and probably a roll-your-eyes moment at the aged concept of the dowdy business women, but there's nothing wrong with occasionally dropping the gimmicks and letting the clothes speak for themselves.

With that point taken, here's the Korean:

The clean makeup is gorgeous, the styling is simple yet layered and (I guess for this reason) energetic given it's all laces, wool and fur. Plus this girl can WORK. Han Jin has been a top girl for a few years, has walked every runway and proves that hopping and grimaces do not befit a lady. Look at the hands and the overall humor. The lighting is also somber blue, so the mood is consistent throughout.

I think both editorials are good but Korean Vogue is more refreshing and clean. It also looks younger, which is surprising considering what the two stories are about (read: heaviness). And American Vogue rarely uses Asian models? There are good Asian models! What is going on with the world?

Korean Vogue

The September Korean Vogue is exceedingly elegant and on-trend. The issue even has this stunning spread on chic mourning, which has been a favorite of-late. The styling is beautiful and overall quite emotive.

Mouthed and Agape / Dental Dunn

Hunch Of The Day // Lacy Lilt


Jump! Blur! Have immaculate hair! Share with Sean Opry!

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Boyfriend of the Day


As I am in an equation mood today...

Androgyny + vague ethnicity / strong jaw + impossibly long and luxurious hair * full lips + strong, heavy brow / steel grey eyes = esoteric beauty at its very best

Book him on every hair job ever...

who dat