Cinematically Cinched...at the Waist

Sunset Blvd. (1950)

Starring Gloria Swanson, William Holden
Directed by Billy Wilder
Costumes by Edith Head

Let me tell you about the time I gave Buster Keaton an HJ in Chuck Chaplin's dressing room...

When it comes to tales of the dark side of fame, there is no greater film than Sunset Blvd. Billy Wilder's masterpiece is still painfully relevant 60 years later, what with the numerous downfalls and untimely deaths in our celebrity-obsessed culture.

They had FACES then. Their original faces, too.

And in the pantheon of great screen divas, few stand as tall, or as crazy, as Norma Desmond, brilliantly brought to life by silent screen siren Gloria Swanson in no doubt her greatest role.

Gloria the ingenue

Norma, like Gloria herself, was a major star before the era of the talkies and unable to accept the loss of her fame (and sanity), lives in a world of her past glory, assisted by her well-meaning and utterly devoted butler, Max.

Joe, do I look old? And before you answer, just know this bracelet doubles as a gun.

The walls begin to crumble when struggling writer, Joe Gillis, wanders into Norma's life. She sees in him the chance to engineer her long-awaited comeback to the big screen and he sees in her a meal ticket, but he's also inexplicably drawn to her.

If you had just given me my god damn cocktail, this wouldn't be happening right now!

We as the audience know from the first few minutes that their relationship will prove tragic. The film is narrated posthumously by Joe through an extended flashback as his lifeless body is fished out of Norma's pool. She shoots him in a jealous rage and out of fear of being abandoned, as she has been by everyone except Max.

Mr. DeMille, can you hear me? Make sure you get this shoulder.

But in one of the saddest and most beautifully poetic moments in cinematic history, Norma is allowed her final close up as she is taken away by the police.

Enjoying the imaginary applause, or the way I usually wake up in the morning.

A large part of what makes Norma so tragic a character is her wardrobe, realized by legendary costume designer, Edith Head. Head gives Norma Desmond an air of dilapidated glamour; her clothes are gorgeous, but they're a bit worn, a bit shoddy, a bit off. Much like the lady herself.

Norma is swathed in opulent furs and shrouded in dramatic gowns with sweeping capes. She's an ACTRESS, a STAR and therefore she is always performing, always on. Her clothes add to the already palpable drama, while her makeup is so severe it gives her a Kabuki-esque mask of a face.

A subtle poolside look.

Edith Head, the most honored woman in Oscar history (sorry, Meryl...again) was not nominated for her work, but instead won for work she did on another little movie that year. Fair enough. However, Norma Desmond remains one of the most haunting and interesting fictional characters of the 20th century, and her larger than life style continues to inspire drag queens to this day.

Hello Daddy, Hello Mom...

Dakota and Kristen are your Ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry Bombs. The rock and roll biopic The Runaways, based on the kickass chick band of the same name, is slated to be released in March. It'll probably suck, but it features Dakota being a bad ass, a personal fave in Arrested Development's Alia Shawkat and a "steamy makeout" between Fanning and Stewart.
2010: The Year of the Lesbian!

Throw an Oscar in This Face

Dame Jules Moore, one of the greatest living actresses in film today, yukking it up in Tom Ford's highly anticipated new film, A Single Man.


A big fat hit at the Venice Film Festival, audiences won't be able to put a ring on this particular film nationwide until January 22nd, however, Tom's sneaking it in under the gun for Oscar consideration with a limited release December 11th.

The furry-chested apple of AnA's eye continues to make us proud, and also, inconsequentially, hot and bothered. Though his days as Gucci's commander in briefs are long over, we're glad to see him still flexing his artistic muscle.


As for Jules, we're pulling for you (as always) but it's going to be a tough year, what with the ladies of Nine and Precious getting already heavy buzz. If Mariah wins over Julianne Moore, however, we will have lost all hope for this world.

Curiouser and Curiouser Akimbo

Promotional images from Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland were recently released and AnA's already on board thanks to the pale blonde locks on pale newly blonde Anne Hathaway as the White Queen with a bold lip and undyed brow. Ethereal and edgy, in that mid-90s Drew Barrymore kind of way.

And then there's this tranny.

Oh Johnny. You can never do any wrong, particularly when you're called on to play a heavily made-up eccentric with a heart of crazy, hay-spun gold. You've had us in your pocket since Jump(!), 21 Jump St(!).

Alice is played by relative nobody, Mia Wasikowska. She's Australian so she'll probably be fucking huge.

Oh, look how tiny she is. Visual irony!

Rounding out the cast is Burton muse and longtime fiancée, the divine Helena Bonham Carter as the Red Queen, sporting a massive head and Clara Bow lips. She's also giving some serious Bette Davis in The Private Lives of Elizabeth and Essex, but with less forehead and more whore make-up.

Needless to say, heads will roll.

Yes We Cannes Cannes

The international film community put on their best faces, some of them were actually their own!, for the most glamorous film festival of the year. Mmm, the French Riviera, big stars, haute couture... sure trumps winter in Utah trying not to stare at Robert Redford's face, doesn't it, kids?

Oh hi, Brangie. Not gonna lie to ya, getting a little bored with the both of you. I get it, you're huge, you're the epitome of celebrity, you are everything, everything is you. Fine. But where's the fun? Otherwise, love the Versace and Brad is apparently having an affair with Tom Ford because he wears no one else. Ooh, imagine: a Brangelina-Tom Ford threesome. You know it's already happened.

Oh there it is, on the gorgeous Michelle Yeoh. Emerald green Versace + flawless skin = all you need to wow.

Rachel Weisz in a perfect little Dior dress.

Eight-foot tall, omnisexual, pale pale pale polyamorous bone, Tilda Swinton in go-to designer, Lanvin. They clearly get each other, Elbaz and Swinton, and theirs is a partnership that yields far more interesting results than say, that squinty Zellwegger and Herrera.

Two-time Oscar winner and occasional lady, Hilary Swank, looking beautiful but still somehow out of place in a flowing Armani. Throw that girl in a pantsuit and stop the lies!

Divine actress-as-muse, Pepe Cruz, steps out in Marchesa with one of AnA's favorite directors, Almodóvar. The two were there for Los Abrazos Rotos, their third collaboration, which features this bit of perfection.

Leggy supermodel, Lily Cole and tranny alien, Devon Aoki, in Alberta Feretti and Cavalli, respectively.

Doe-eyed crazy and Dior high-wire aerialist, Marion Cotillard in YSL. P.S. Have you seen the trailer for Nine? Get excited.

Asia Argento looking wonderful in Armani Privé. The shape c'est exquisite, non?

Current title-holder of world's most beautiful woman, especially since Jolie's working the creepy alien look these days, Aishwarya Rai in one of the cleaner looks from Elie Saab's Haute Couture collections.

Now this is a star-making dress. Let's see, I'm Abbie Cornish, a talented ingenue stepping out on one of the most important and publicized events of the year. I could wear a big-named designer, or, now stay with me for a second, I could wear a stunning gown from obscure Australian designer, Toni Maticevski. I think I made the right decision.