Red Carpet Rundown: Based on the Novel 'Boring Me' by The Oscars

Les Oscars -- the grandtranny of all red carpets -- is sort of like the wedding day of a close friend or relative. You look forward to it for months, all the while knowing that it'll be long, boring, and everyone there will be drunk and yapping on for hours about nothing. By the end of it all, you're exhausted, can't remember what happened or why you came, but are looking forward to doing it again soon.

This year's telecast was, well, i only bothered to watch the first 2 hours since I only wanted to see Mo'Nique run off with that trophy -- but the part I saw was all right. NPH was adorable, per usual, Steve and Alec were entertaining enough, though I hear I missed cameos by Michelle Pfeiffer, Babs Streisand and God herself, Mama O. Well, that's what YouTube's for. As for what mattered most, the fashion, I was left wanting more, namely a Kidman in a column, but there was some fierceness to be relished.

I'm ready to get myself a big lady because big girl YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Gabby Sidibe was hands down my favorite gal of the night, giving glamour and girth. Marchesa actually got it right...for once.

Unsurprisingly, Mo won Best Supporting Actress, to a standing ovation no less. I barely heard what she said afterwards since I was screaming about Meryl Streep giving her props, but she was elegant and stunning in her Tadashi Shoji, whoever the hell that is. He'll surely be someone after clothing that broad, Oscar-winning back, however.



Arising fashionista, Carey Mulligan, dared to dye and looked flawless in her Prada gown. There's nothing I love more than a short do with a big statement earring. Something I'm hoping to try this summer.



Carey's co-presenter, Zoe Saldana, was also a vision in Givenchy HC, which admittedly looked better when she was descending the 35 flights of stairs to get to the Oscar stage last night.



Oscar winner and professional turner of IT, Charlize Theron rocked Dior. The two have done better, but the boob rosettes are hilarious.



Cameron Diaz in Oscar de la Renta. Note, the only time Cameron Diaz and Oscar will ever be mentioned in the same sentence.

Speaking of Oscar longshots, Sandy Bullock everyone:



Who still doesn't know how to pose to save her life. The Bullock delivered a great speech and looked the picture of glamour in, ugh, Marchesa (fine, Georgina, two for you...) Run off with that little man, girlfriend. Just make sure you don't trip over your heels a la every movie you've ever been in.



Our dad looked great, as usual, in his own design, as usual. Meanwhile, call me Mackenzie Phillips because I'm ready for this papa to preach on me...about sex.



Apparently, someone left the door to the stables open. And she snatched a gown straight off the Chanel Haute Couture runway not three weeks ago. Crafty equine.



Though not quite reaching the heights of her Balenciaga print at the SAGs, Meryl looked every bit the gracious loser in her Chris March (of PJ Runway...fame...?). We'll see you next year, Mer!



Another Oscar-winning lady of a certain age, Dame Helen Mirren, continued to give frat boys across the country questionable boners. Dame's got it goin' ON!



Vera Farmiga chose Marchesa, and though Georgina scored with two other ladies, this one left me about as limp as these accordion ruffles. Marchesa has one trick that they continue to turn and by now I'm tired of it. How many goddess gowns can I see before I become a full on atheist?

Speaking of limp:



La Lopez continues to try to recapture her past red carpet glory, but she's not quite there. Tuck that giant hip in place! However, bravo for choosing this aspirationally-dramatic Armani Privé, but it's a column that's shitting itself. Also, that HC collection sucked.

Speaking of things that suck:



Here's tween sensation Miley Cyrus. Apparently they'll let anyone without a d gag reflex come to the Oscars these days.



Oh, and there's Nick Canon. Cannon? I don't care. Slap a smile on that face. I know you're just NOW realizing what you've gotten yourself into, but just remain quiet, smile when spoken to and pretend that you're not dying on the inside every day. Meanwhile, Mimi, sucking it in to save her life, gives another reason why this recent couture season was awful, in Valentino HC.



Kat Bigelow. Go. Head. Girl. Friend. The first woman to win a Best Director Oscar. And it only took two centuries! You are an inspiration to us girls everywhere. Thank god you dumped that Cameron fellow, who apparently revived then subsequently married a corpse. Is it just me? Anyone? Bueller?



Sometime actress, but perennial movie star, Demi Moore was flawless in Atelier Versace. Noticeably absent, but not at all missed from this picture, Ash Kutch. I'm assuming he's in daycare with Nick Canon, playing with blocks and taking meetings with various cable networks in a futile attempt to extend their fifteen minutes of fame.



Last year's Oscar darling, Kate Winselt. Perfection, as always. Methinks I've got a ladycrush. I haven't had one of those since the sixth grade! And I've made very little progress since then...



I see these three ladies all came freshly-shaven. Later, at the VF after party, Zac was found being spun around on the Lazy Susan while Ryan, Jake, Tom and Elton covered him in glitter and lube. Those girls sure know how to party!



LOVE old lady chic! Especially on a pair of nubile ingenues. Kruger in Chanel, Kendricks in Elie Saab, both couture. Lovely.



Pepe Cruz, I know you, I live you, I love you. That said, I've been a bit disappointed with you this award season. This gown is perhaps the best of the lot, but it still feels off. You looked a bit boxy in the waist. There. I said it.



Maggs Gyllie chose a simple, Dries van Noten, reaffirming her love of this particular silhouette. Tell me the truth. You know you didn't stand a chance, so you just rolled out of bed and threw on the nearest designer? It's fine. I don't blame you. After all, who-who-who gon' love you?



Vogue cover girl, Tina Fey, chose a great dress - one-shouldered Michael Kors - but the hair is a little too matronly. Throw it in a chignon for a sleeker, sexier look. However, I'm willing to forgive this slight misstep since your little presentation with Bob Downey Jr. was one of my favorite, and probably one of the funniest, moments of the night.

What better note to end this post on than with the divine Ms. O. I don't know why she was there, nor do I care. I can only imagine that she informed everyone in attendance that they all had Oscars sitting underneath their chairs before inviting her friend and ours, JOHN TRAVOOOOOOOOOOLTAAAA to dance with Mo'Nique and Sandy Bulls to close the show. Anything less and I would be severely disappointed.

While You Were Sleeping: Sandy B - Style Icon

While drowning in a bottle of wine and watching my Wendy Williams last night, I heard a story that sounded vaguely familiar. About Sandra Bullock being the Oscar nominee most likely to generate sales from her red carpet appearances.
Huh.
Shocked -- not as shocked as the fact that she's probably going to win for The Blind Side of all movies -- I decided to investigate some of her recent looks.

With more than a little skepticism in my heart, I leafed through and was pleasantly surprised.

Sure, there were the horrible missteps:

The Lanvin on the left is just not her. Meanwhile, I prefer that she leave the awful bed hair to Cammy Diaz who always looks awful, but at least we expect it from her. And the Alberta Ferretti is unflattering on that flat chest and wide hips.

Here she is dressed as a beard. At least the make-up is fierce. Sandy's too.

But then we have these gems:

A double dose of McQueen. You can never go wrong there.

This Bottega Veneta number was a controversial choice:

But how does one grow unless one challenges oneself. She took a risk, I enjoyed it for that fact alone.

My favorite look, though, has to be this:

Halston with the perfect accessory: Ryan Reynolds. He goes with everything.

Red Carpet Rundown: The 2010 Grammys or Why the Music Industry is Doomed

Last night's Grammy show was the worst in history. And it started off so well, too. Gaga opened the show with yet another epic performance with her mother.

Then things quickly fell off.

B was amazing as usual, but disappointed by neglecting to have her army of male dancers put a ring on it.

Pink was incredible and death-defying, though much like me five minutes into the show, was not "Sober."

J.Huds and Celine belted out "Earth Song" in an all-too-brief tribute to MJ, also featuring Usher, the legendary Smokey Robinson and some country tart.

The one who didn't win Album of the Year. Also, any mention of the latter is strictly verboten on this blog.

And finally MJB melted my icy heart with a touching rendition of "Bridge Over Troubled Waters" with Andrea Bocelli. Who is apparently blind. Who knew?

Those were the only highlights in an otherwise dreadful show that proved once again that the Grammys are the least relevant awards show on the planet. Well, almost.

Anygay, onto the "fashion" of last night. Like the show, also a major disappointment, except for Gaga who is apparently the only person who gets it.

Here's the lady in Armani Privé. I wished upon this star that she'd walk away with an armload, but apparently wishes don't come true. Fuck you Disney. Meanwhile, Gags had 5 Armani Privé

outfits that we all missed out on thanks to some 20-year old talentless slut hogging all the trophies.

The event known as Celine Dion, looking flawless in someone I've never heard of. Aquilano.Rimondi. Anyone?

The red carpet look was, in a word, horrendous. B looks like she's wearing a carpet. And with the zipper down the front, come on, kids! Her show and performance outfits were far better, most likely because they were chosen by Sasha Fierce, who I wish would just take over and make all the decisions from now on.

Ciara in Givnechy Haute Couture, proving that this HC season was one of the more dismal in recent memory.

Coco Rocha in her own design. Okay.

Mr. Fierce in Tom Ford. The Knowles-Carters ran away with a ton of Grammys last night. Jay also got one for his collaboration with Rihanna. In other news, Rihanna was found with a stiletto through her heart earlier this morning.

Someone dug up J. Lo from ten years ago when people still cared about her and threw her in Versace. Perhaps hoping to reclaim some of that past glory? Here's a suggestion, dump the corpse you call a husband and focus on your career.

From J. Lo to J. Huds. She looks stunning and is working that post-baby body in Victoria Beckham. Also that China bang was the best hair of the night.

And from one bang to another. Katy Perry showed up in a shitty Zac Posen that revealed a bit too much side boob. Dolly and Ms. Streisand have all but given up on you, Zac. But I still hold out some hope.

Glee's Lea Michele looked great, opting for a short Romona Keveza dress and sultry hair. She looks like a Jersey girl out for a night of dancing, Long Islands and perhaps a BJ in the men's bath, i.e. perfect for the Grammys.

Pink channels early-00s Kylie in this Bob Mackie number that is basically all I ever want in an outfit.

On her way to the Oscars, Nikki Kids apparently got lost, but still looked Prada perfect.

I love how sluts get younger every year. Soon they'll be giving pregnancy tests in day care.

Grown-ass lady Mary J. Blige popping in fuschia and popping out a tad.

Now, I've never been a fan of Rihanna. I just don't believe her. She's like a blow-up doll Jay-Z likes to play with when B's on tour. But I kind of love this Elie Saab Haute Couture gown. Call me crazy. I hope this doesn't mean she's growing on me. If so, I'll need to visit the pharm ASAP to find the right ointment.