Red Carpet Rundown: The 2010 Grammys or Why the Music Industry is Doomed

Last night's Grammy show was the worst in history. And it started off so well, too. Gaga opened the show with yet another epic performance with her mother.

Then things quickly fell off.

B was amazing as usual, but disappointed by neglecting to have her army of male dancers put a ring on it.

Pink was incredible and death-defying, though much like me five minutes into the show, was not "Sober."

J.Huds and Celine belted out "Earth Song" in an all-too-brief tribute to MJ, also featuring Usher, the legendary Smokey Robinson and some country tart.

The one who didn't win Album of the Year. Also, any mention of the latter is strictly verboten on this blog.

And finally MJB melted my icy heart with a touching rendition of "Bridge Over Troubled Waters" with Andrea Bocelli. Who is apparently blind. Who knew?

Those were the only highlights in an otherwise dreadful show that proved once again that the Grammys are the least relevant awards show on the planet. Well, almost.

Anygay, onto the "fashion" of last night. Like the show, also a major disappointment, except for Gaga who is apparently the only person who gets it.

Here's the lady in Armani Privé. I wished upon this star that she'd walk away with an armload, but apparently wishes don't come true. Fuck you Disney. Meanwhile, Gags had 5 Armani Privé

outfits that we all missed out on thanks to some 20-year old talentless slut hogging all the trophies.

The event known as Celine Dion, looking flawless in someone I've never heard of. Aquilano.Rimondi. Anyone?

The red carpet look was, in a word, horrendous. B looks like she's wearing a carpet. And with the zipper down the front, come on, kids! Her show and performance outfits were far better, most likely because they were chosen by Sasha Fierce, who I wish would just take over and make all the decisions from now on.

Ciara in Givnechy Haute Couture, proving that this HC season was one of the more dismal in recent memory.

Coco Rocha in her own design. Okay.

Mr. Fierce in Tom Ford. The Knowles-Carters ran away with a ton of Grammys last night. Jay also got one for his collaboration with Rihanna. In other news, Rihanna was found with a stiletto through her heart earlier this morning.

Someone dug up J. Lo from ten years ago when people still cared about her and threw her in Versace. Perhaps hoping to reclaim some of that past glory? Here's a suggestion, dump the corpse you call a husband and focus on your career.

From J. Lo to J. Huds. She looks stunning and is working that post-baby body in Victoria Beckham. Also that China bang was the best hair of the night.

And from one bang to another. Katy Perry showed up in a shitty Zac Posen that revealed a bit too much side boob. Dolly and Ms. Streisand have all but given up on you, Zac. But I still hold out some hope.

Glee's Lea Michele looked great, opting for a short Romona Keveza dress and sultry hair. She looks like a Jersey girl out for a night of dancing, Long Islands and perhaps a BJ in the men's bath, i.e. perfect for the Grammys.

Pink channels early-00s Kylie in this Bob Mackie number that is basically all I ever want in an outfit.

On her way to the Oscars, Nikki Kids apparently got lost, but still looked Prada perfect.

I love how sluts get younger every year. Soon they'll be giving pregnancy tests in day care.

Grown-ass lady Mary J. Blige popping in fuschia and popping out a tad.

Now, I've never been a fan of Rihanna. I just don't believe her. She's like a blow-up doll Jay-Z likes to play with when B's on tour. But I kind of love this Elie Saab Haute Couture gown. Call me crazy. I hope this doesn't mean she's growing on me. If so, I'll need to visit the pharm ASAP to find the right ointment.