Oh Shalom...

Here I am doll!

Who made this dress? Who cares. Look at me - does it really matter. I'm literally 78 years old and wearing a wrinkled up trash bag with stir-up leggings peeking out and I still look flawless.

Do you think you would get a second glance if it was on the short-legged bitch Kate? No wonder they wanted all of us to wear short dresses since that midget somehow fucked her way into being a chair. I refuse to allow my statuesque beauty to be hampered so that cunt can elongate herself.

Suck on that Moss.

Rowing Along Akimbo

Oh hi. It's me, Ashley Olsen's rear cleavage clad in ivory.

What a view. Do you like my showstopping dress by The Row? I had it made by a very special someone named MK who spent hours toiling with her tiny goblin hands glued to a sewing machine. To make sure this drape fell low but not TOO low. Just enough to hide the buttocks. It's perfect like my train, long but not dragging along. What about my hair? Simple, controlled, understated, impossibly elegant. And that trademark smirk? Looking great with a smokey eye. Excuse me while I sit myself down for dinner: a bottle of champagne and a deep, deep inhale.

American Vogue Akimbo // Lakshmi on Vacation!

With all the flurried discussion of the MET gala and models, AnA wishes to turn to a recurring topic here at the Akimbo loft: racism and tokenism as seen in American Vogue. This time around, let's consider the Faces of the Moment issue and the location story in Goa with model Lakshmi Menon, current runway star and Ricardo Tisci muse chez-Givenchy. Strangely titled "India Are We," the editorial has Lakshmi smiling and dancing in practical summer ensembles among India's impoverished; it should be called "India Is She."

The story lacks any clothes by Indian designers in favor of Anna's go-to European and American minions. So much for covering India's burgeoning fashion industry. Lakshmi has appeared one other time in American Vogue -- in a story about "new" models - although Lakshmi is in her late 20s and came West after a long career in India.

Landing a one-girl story is huge but did Anna pick Lakshmi because of her beauty and status or because Lakshmi is the only Indian model on her radar? Why not send a white girl to India? Why not book Lakshmi for a studio story stateside? AnA can report that various recent beauty and fashion shoots for Vogue -- including a MET-themed story shot by Arthur Elgort -- do not include Lakshmi, although she did attend the Ball. Hopefully Anna will keep using the girl. Until then let's enjoy her off-kilter face, masculine shoulders and large jaw in other ways!

Model as Museum: The Met Ball

The what's that of fashion came out in droves for the Costume Institute's Gala, celebrating the Metropolitan Museum's latest exhibit, Model as Muse. AnA didn't feel particularly inspired by the red carpet, but then again we were in Morocco enjoying the pleasures of beautiful underage youths in solidarity with Linda, Naomi and Christy. No one slights Alaia on our watch. Though the event couldn't compare to last year's Superheroes (hi, Anna with ram horns at her hip...too good), we certainly welcomed seeing some of the great models of yesteryear and today trotted out for public consumption. A few highlights:

Really? 85 cycles of Top Model and this is all we get from you? At least throw Badgley on top of Mischka, hit an awkward angle and give us a growl, but make it fashion.


Well she's no Michelle O, but there's only one way to go once hitting the top, huh, Jason Wu? Didn't think you'd hit rock bottom so quickly, though.

Sessilee Lopez, stunning in Zac Posen. You. Own. Everything.

And giving us Power Gay Realness, Ms. Tom Ford.

Oh, Winnie. We remember you being better than this. But then again, we remember a lot of things that never existed. Oh the 70s.

Vicki Becks, Posing 101: Hunch, extend a bony branch and just think of how much better your life is than everyone else's. Click!

That's right, put your tiny little Thai head on my giant Eastern European rib cage. Listen closely and you can hear the ocean.

Sasha giving us old Hollywood glamour and new Hollywood tranny face.

Raquel Zimmerman, who apparently fell head first into a vat of acid prior to coming to the Met, looks inconsequential betwixt heartthrobs Lazaro and Jack of Porenza Schouler. Le sigh.

Paulina Porizkova in the arms of a Car.

There are two sorts of people in this world. The Ashleys and the Mary Kates. AnA whole-heartedly supports the Mary Kates: independent, vivacious and more than likely, half in the (coke) bag.

All right, who let grandma into the medicine cabinet?

We've made no qualms about giving preferential treatment to Leighton Meester over Blake Lively here at the AnA loft. And this just confirms it since Meester looks like a refugee from Wonderland and clearly doesn't care.

-Haha! I've got the Xanax in my clutch!
-And I've got the Jack in my cleav!
-And I'm not wearing panties! Thank you for being a friend!

This gam's seen more steps than a Broadway chorus line, but even with a brace I can still make a damn entrance. Get a look at this, fellas!

And I'm backlit. Caress the gine, lift the chin, smile with the bangs, and I'm ready.

A man tux on a lady, always a classic look. Work, Lake Bell.

-This staircase is tripping me the fuck out.
-I told you not to drop those tabs before we came.
-Look, Marc, I'm glad you're all clean, good for you, good luck with that and whatever, but I don't need you raining on my parade. Now grab my ass and keep your Chelsea beard shut.

Alleged heterosexual Kanye West loves his custom LV tux almost as much as he loves himself. Almost.

Iman is the greatest person ever according to Guiness. And by Guiness we clearly mean that drunk drag queen who tried to rob us last weekend. We had to cut a bitch.

-Psst. Meet me in the bathroom in thirty minutes?
-Which one of us, Diane?
-...darling. Both. And bring Tony's butt plug, I forgot mine in the limo.

Former model, former actress and former Hugh Grant beard, Liz Hurley, had one of the loveliest looks of the night in red carpet regular, Elie Saab.

That's it, Ed, look completely disinterested. It only turns us on more.

-Haha! I don't know where I am!
-Haha! Me neither! Let's go heckle Donna Karen!

La Mole still has it. And girl can pull off turquoise, unlike...

Brooke. You're one tuck away from Drag Race Season 2.

Nice lifts, Bono.

Dear Justin Timberlake. Stop trying so hard. Love, AnA. Oh, and leash your dog.

60s, Bardot, glam. Are those cheekbones new, Ms. Hathaway? Either way, loving.

And perfection takes the form of Alek Wek clad in fuchsia.

Aggy dear, flawless. We're loving the bombshell hair and who's that little man? Oh, Twiggy. Well, that's just unfortunate...though you two make a lovely couple.

And finally, to leave this post on a high note. AnA's patron saint/illegitimate father and all-around muckety muck, ALT in signature great cape. What you don't see are the three rentboys sucking him off underneath it all. The cape, much like everything in fashion, has its purpose.

Oh Hi // Met Akimbo

Oh hi. Check your humility and trains at the zebra-print door. Welcome to my Ball.

Or did I mean "Tear Drop," in honor of my print on my Chanel Couture gown. Cinched at my waist, a 23-inch natural wonder that gives me control of one of the largest museums in the world and those who enter my exhibit. So what if I do not invite Azzedine Alaia, one of the greatest living designers, despite his decades long devotion to models, and thereby uninvite his supermodel muses? It is my bidding. So what if I demand that models must wear knee-length dresses? Those who challenge me by going floor length will perish.

AnA is compiling an extensive recap of the Gala festivities. We're a little fatigued from attending last night's Rodarte dance party co-hosted by one Jess Stam in SoHo; luckily the pre-dawn walk to the AnA loft with one Paulina Porizkova pepped us up! More to come!

Met Musings Akimbo

With the MET Gala just around the corner, what will everyone wear?

AnA's well-placed spies report that one leggy ingenue known for an irregular catwalk may score big points by wearing Marc Jacobs (as supplied by Anna Wintour's army). Roland Mouret is also rumored to be dressing a brunette bombshell to escort on his arm. Expect various muses and mannequins, especially from the house of Versace, to crawl out from under third world rocks to attend this one! AnA will roll into the ceremony half in the bag, with Grace Jones thrown over our shoulder, and frocked in Dior Couture from Spring 2007!

list the reasons why i can stare at this all day

That bob.

That excessive rouging around the eyes/upper cheek area.

The eyes.

The slanted little smirk.

The gold chains. Two haphazardly placed strands.

The orange and blue combo.

The pleating.

The boobs.

The pose.

That bob. Again.

Oh, and the strong shoulder...

xoxo

Tommy